Pause and Effect

I had a lot to write about yesterday but, as I didn't write it down it's fallen out of my head. I write a lot in my head, a sort of internal monologue or narration that comes and goes. A buzz of sorts. When I have the time and ability to scribble it down it usually evolves into these blog posts, or songs. Yesterday, nothing at all. Just words thrown at the wind.

I am currently on "vacation". Not something I do well. It's never been anything that really fit into my vocabulary. My family went on two vacations in the entire 17 years I spent at home, one was a three day camping trip from hell, the other a multi-state roadtrip a la National Lampoon's Vacation. The only thing is - when that stuff happens in real life, you tend not to find the humour in it. I was 15 that summer. It was the summer I got thin for a while. Boys actually wanted to talk to me. I however, was so desperately shy and untrusting that I figured it was some ploy to get me to let my guard down and torture me. I had, at that point, not exactly had a nice time with any of my social interactions, so I guess it was only to be expected.

I vividly remember sitting at a rest stop in Montana with my sister that summer. A bunch of guys were skateboarding and came over to talk to us. They asked my sister a bunch of questions about her skateboard. I stared at the ground. They attempted to ask me a bunch of questions too. I stared at the ground. They called me a snobby bitch and walked away. They were probably nice guys and I don't really blame them.

I have never been gifted with social niceties. At any given moment I feel like a duck wading in molasses. I am walking confusion encrusted in bubbly blonde. The fact that I actually perform on stage and have for nearly twenty years now confounds me. I have desperate stage fright and I am completely inept at witty banter, but in the space between the pauses I almost feel free. And so, I suppose I will continue to do it for as long as I possibly can.

In the same vein as witty banter, the concept of a vacation is lost on me. I am not well-practiced at it. The whole sitting still, relaxing thing feels completely foreign. My hypervigilance disapproves. I'm used to touring, and when I tour I overschedule and drive everyone batty with my intense organization and need to function like some well-oiled gizmo.

I have difficulty with the pauses or even the idea of them. I am working at it though. I figure maybe it's something I can learn with time.

Yesterday I drank a margarita. Today I am lying on a beach. It all feels like some sort of Wes Anderson film. The quality of light is suitably appropriate, and an old Mexican guy played some really weird covers on an acoustic guitar while I ate horrendously bad food last night. I took some time to stare at the stars.

It took a while, but I learned to talk to boys and people in general. You just pretend you're okay with it until eventually you sort of are. I'm still awkward and make no sense, but at least I have the ability to go through the motions on occasion. Maybe I'll get there with the pauses one day too. A molasses covered duck could do with a good swim now and again...